When 'thank you' beats 'I'm sorry'

I believe wholeheartedly in apologies. Real, sincere, apologies that actually contain the words "I'm sorry" with no "but" afterward. When you've done wrong or hurt someone, you acknowledge what you've done, express your regret for your behavior, acknowledge how it impacted the person, and give your pledge that the behavior won't be repeated. That's what it takes. True apologies are powerful. I'm not very good at it, but I believe in it and I aspire to it.

But I also aspire not to use the words "I'm sorry" when I haven't done wrong or hurt someone. In my marriage, I have for years been far too prone to apologize. In cases where I have actually done nothing wrong, this is not a kind, considerate gesture. It's not healing and mending for the relationship. It's actually selfish. I also do this in friendships and even with acquaintances.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, especially in these two common situations in my life.

1. You ask your friend to watch your child while you take another child to a doctor's appointment. She says, yes, she'd be happy to. You drop your child off and go. While you're waiting and waiting in the doctor's office, you realize you'll be gone longer than you told her. You text her and let her know what's going on. She responds with, "It's no problem. The kids are playing just fine and I don't have anywhere to be." Even though the circumstances are beyond your control, you still feel bad leaving your child with her so long. When you finally return to pick up her child, do you say,

"I'm so sorry I was gone so long. I really had no idea it was going to be like this. I feel really bad; you probably had other things you needed to do."

OR

"Thank you so much for watching her for me. It was longer than I anticipated and it really helped me."

Which is more emotionally mature? Which is is less needy?
It's kind of a duh, right? Why has it taken me so long to figure it out?

There have been several times when the words "I'm sorry" have slipped out and as soon as I hear them, I know that I really meant and needed to say thank you.

2. You know your spouse is ready to get to sleep, but there's something on your mind. You begin talking about it and he seems willing to have the conversation. It takes a few minutes, but you share how you are feeling. He listens, asks questions, and gives you his perspective. As the conversation ends, you can sense that he's tired, that the conversation took some energy from him. So you say,

"I'm sorry. You were tired. I should have just let you get to bed, but I've just had this on my mind all day. I'm sorry you had to listen to it."

OR

"Thank you for listening. It really helps me to talk these things out, and I appreciate that you are there for me."

Well, which is it? Have you done wrong and you need to apologize? Or have you not done anything wrong and are better off expressing appreciation for what the people in your life willingly give to bless your life? Do you actually need to feel bad for the fact that they gave of themselves for your benefit? Do you want others to feel bad when you help them or give to them?

Asked another way, how can you signal to your friend and to your spouse that you are actually willing to receive the love or help they gave you? Do you signal it by extorting their reassurance that it's fine and they didn't mind? Or do you receive love and help by thanking the giver?

As a friend, I often hear people saying "I'm sorry" or "I feel bad" when I have helped them in some small way. I don't mind reassuring them at first, but if they continue, I get frustrated. This is what friends do for each other. This is what a relationship means--giving and receiving help and love. Back and forth, because while most of us want to be self-sufficient, we all need help sometimes. And we all love and want to express that love.

I used to think that saying "I feel bad" showed consideration for their feelings and their needs. But I have realized it was really all about me and my need to feel like I'm not inconveniencing or negatively impacting them. But let's look at that. What if helping me was difficult for that friend in that moment? What if she was willing and able to help me, but it was not as convenient for her as she let on? Does that mean I need to feel guilty? Does the fact that my husband was tireder after our conversation mean I was wrong to share my thoughts with him?

Are people really only allowed to give to me if it costs them nothing? When I say "I'm sorry" am I really saying, "whatever that cost you, you shouldn't have given it"?

I have improved. Some of it has come from intentionally stopping myself from saying "I'm sorry" and asking if that's really what needs to be expressed here. Some of it has come as I've become more able to view myself as someone who deserves love and help.  Just because I'm a lovable worthwhile human, valued daughter of God.

People love me. I allow them to help me. I love them, too, and I want them to know I appreciate what they give me. How about you? You love people and they help you. Would you rather be thanked or apologized to?