I'm not sure I should write about this on my blog, but I'm pretty sure no one reads this anyway, so what can be the harm of it?
After nearly four years of being either pregnant or nursing, I am done. John has not nursed in more than a week.
You might think that I am rejoicing to have my body back to my self. Part of me is happy, relieved. But most of me feels a little forlorn, disconnected. And I won't say "useless" because I know that's ridiculous. Maybe just underutilized. Yeah, still sounds crazy. No one needs me.
Uh huh.
It frightens me just a little bit that I finally get to this place, where I've been anxious to get for at least several months, and I'm uncomfortable here. Still anxious. Scary that after two kids, caring for whom is exhausting and trying and fulfilling and--ok, I'll say it--almost more than I can handle, I'm biologically aching to do it all over again. To add another little being to my "people who depend on me for everything" list. It's as if while my common sense and my pocketbook and my elastic-free jeans are saying "You can't you can't you can't, just wait," another, more insistent and more insane part of my self is saying "You must you must you must! Right now!"
I'm just supposed to have more kids. And I guess I have this feeling to make sure that even though it would be easy and sensible and a relief, in some ways, to stop at just two kids, I won't stop now. Not with my own body incessantly begging me for more.
I honestly honestly walk around being JEALOUS of pregnant women. What is wrong with me!?!
But I can wait. I even want to wait. It would sure be nice, though, if while I wait I could stop thinking about it. Just for a little while.
4 comments:
You could always work part time as a wet nurse... would that help? (totally kidding) You can't get pregnant anyways until at least after January, I have all your stuff, so just think of it that way to try and get it off your mind for a little bit:o) (thanks again btw). You are a fabulous momma-sita, keep up the good work. Once our baby comes I'll let you borrow her every once in a while for the evening if you are having withdrawls, that's just the kind of sis-in-law/friend I am.
Love you lots,
Erin
BTW the word verification for me this time is wexyy... nice huh?
It is amazing how your thoughts have been so similar to mine. When Jared was done with nursing I too felt a little empty. I was also sad that I had to yet again watched what I ate. I think being either pregnant or nursing is a wonderful diet. You are a great Mom and I can totally relate to all of your feelings. I too have been noticing all the pregnant people. I have two thoughts. One is it is way to hot to be pregnant and the other is wishing it was me.
Sarah
wow
:) It comes and goes... When Johnny gets to be two...you may want to wait longer. :) That gives you a few months of freedom...enjoy it. :)
Ali
I love baby belly too though! Awww....(sigh)
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