Last year, I posted this about my father's death.
So this is part of why I hate January. But I don't think that's really an option for my life. I hate that he died. I hate it. But at least some part of me has accepted that it happened. I haven't accepted all that it means--not for me, not for my mother, not for my children--but I know it will not change. No matter how many Januaries pass. No January will change that January.
And I spend the month, or at least half of it, wondering what I'm supposed to do. I need to grieve again, but I don't know how. I think I need (and maybe several other family members do too) some ritual to carry out this month to feel that I have honored his memory (to use a trite phrase). To feel that I have taken a moment for him.
But I don't know what that ritual is. I know a lot of people visit the graves of their lost loved ones, but that's not the right ritual for me. That place holds very little meaning for me. I'm glad it's there and I will choose to go there sometimes, but going there won't be my ritual. It won't help me feel closer to him or understand who he is or accomplish anything else I need this month, this day.
I just know I need to mark this day somehow. I can't let it pass without doing something. And I need to figure it out because it's just not fair for me to allow this difficult and life-changing event to cause me to hate 1/12th of every year of my life. It's just not sustainable.
So, aside from blog posts, what is it that we should do?
5 comments:
Ann - I have thought of you so often over the last few months. I have had a really hard time wrapping my head around my dad's passing, but it is proving very difficult. It feels like he's just on some really long, weird far-away trip. Regardless of how much time passes (3 months or 7 years), I can only come up with one word to describe the feeling - it just sucks. Let me know if you stumble upon some divine intuition about what to do to honor this most difficult anniversary...that is, if you're still working on that, since this was originally posted a year ago. Good luck!
:)
Cathy
Cathy--this post is from today. I linked it to the post from a year ago where I wrote more about the circumstances surrounding his death.
I also think of you so often now and I remember my first months after my dad's passing. It just sucks. You're right.
I said this very thing to Ben today - that I feel like I need to honor him in some way. Haven't figured it out yet either. But we will. There's something we can do. Something understated. Somehow understated seems like it will be more meaningful.
I think I will cry every time I read your post from last year. I hope so anyway. Sometimes I cry that Ben will never meet him in this life. Neither will our kids. That's a hard thing.
But I'm really okay. Sometimes it's hard to understand that being sad about something can coexist with being okay. If that makes sense.
Sorry, but I saw this when I just stumbled across your blog through some random links. I wanted to share what my mom does- every year on her mother's birthday, she fasts for all of her family- siblings, nieces, nephews. She calls it her mom's birthday present. I hope you find a good way to honor your father.
Since you like to write, you might find it therapeutic to write some memory or observation about your father's life each January and then re-read all of your past ones. It would also be a great way to share him with your children and posterity. For me dealing with my Dad's death, helping others know and appreciate who he was proved to be one of the best ways to grieve and feel closer to him.
Post a Comment