Around the same time, I had a run in with another neighbor. The experience let me know that she was watching me and my family from her window and judging what I was and wasn't doing as a mother. This is not someone I had previously given much thought to other than the occasional friendly wave as we passed on our street. But she had apparently been watching, unable to get her work done because she was concerned.
She lectured and threatened and otherwise made herself unpleasant.
Let me say, for one thing, that I'm fairly certain that one reason I'm so sensitive to the judgment of others is because I'm so apt to judge others myself.
But whether I'm exactly accurate in my understandings of how they are judging me, I know they are. Especially as a mother.
So I have this desire, as I'm observed parenting my children while sporting this enlarged belly, to have it look easy. I feel like since they already think I can't handle even having three kids and that I'm crazy to have another, I need to make it look like this is totally manageable for me at all times. Even down to making sure I don't walk like a tired pregnant woman. Even when I am one.
Like maybe if it looks easy they won't think I'm crazy anymore? Or they'll suddenly approve of me?
I guess you can tell I've realized that's just nuts.
First, there's not a whole lot about being a mom that's easy. I do believe most (if not all) women have some mothering instincts and a nurturing side. But most moms agree it's not easy. Duh. And I don't think it's supposed to be easy. It's so so hard to be the mom I want to be, especially at the times when no one is watching and judging and threatening.
And I'm not going to pretend that pregnancy is easy, either, but I've had pregnancies that were way easier than this one. I suspect that was in part because I didn't have three kids already at that point.
But isn't it actually better if anyone watching me thinks, gosh, what she's doing must be tough, but she's cheerfully hanging in there instead of believing the "this is easy" lie that I could never convince anyone of anyway? I guess I just want them to know that I don't regret where I am. No matter how hard this is or how hard it appears, I'm doing it because it's my life and I chose it. And there's joy in it. Difficulty and joy go together more often than my neighbors might realize.
I can live with it if they don't love me or accept me. They never have, and have made that clear. But I can at least make every effort to allow my life to reflect the truths I acknowledge here.
5 comments:
you can do it, ann. preach on. and live on.
you're an awesome mom.
Well, it may go without saying, but won't, that I don't much like your neighbors. Like, how dare they? Who do they think they are? Do they know everything? Ha! And other such questions.
But we know they have little to do with you, the actual you and your you-ness, which has great-ness about it/you.
Just give them your smile when you see them. I know that's good advice, but I am pretty sure I couldn't have done it and maybe still can't. But you should.
Love,
Mom
I've never experience what you are going throug, so I really don't have any advice--except remember who you are and what your priorities are. And just keep smiling.
Aunt Elaine
Ann. I love you, and what you write. I know it is hard too and often lie in bed at the end of the day hoping that I can be more of the Mom I want to be tomorrow.
Yikes how did I miss this post? It's hard enough judging yourself, but to have others voice those same judgements I may already be wondering or thinking occasionally about myself, for me that would be devastating. But like you said, it's the life I have chose. It's the life I (almost always) want and I would never trade these little people for anything. When out wIth my three, I often get "you've got your hands full" comments to which I now quip "yes I do, but full of good things".
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