She's gonna come. Really

I am 35 weeks pregnant. That means I have 5 weeks left, give or take two weeks. 

Last night, I had an experience that made me think, for about 2 hours, that this little one might want to arrive much sooner than that. Jeremy and I found ourselves praying that she could, would wait at least two more weeks. Because 37 weeks is considered full term.

And for the first time in this pregnancy, I remembered--truly remembered--what it is like to be in labor and know that my child's arrival is imminent. 

Until last night, I had only had feelings of dread and feelings of I don't want to do that part and can I really handle giving birth again questions. Denial, really. But last night a full body memory came over me. Ever had a full body memory? I just made that up, I guess, but that's what it felt like. Not that I felt it all, but that each organ, cell, vessel involved all together said, "oh yeah." and "yep, that's coming."

In some ways pregnancy is one long process of this person becoming real to you. You get the positive pregnancy test and nothing is real. Later you hear the kidney bean-sized thing's heart beating. Or you see that kidney bean on an ultrasound monitor. Before too long you are feeling that person move inside you.

With each little milestone, it becomes more real. He or she becomes more real. Over and over again.

Well, folks, last night was a big one. A big jump toward real.

Then one day, the shadowy liquid-encased foreigner alien stranger interloper parasite begins knocking forcefully, insisting that no matter what, she will be let in. Or, more accurately, she will be let out into your world. Visible, tangible, warm, and purple, there she is. 

And although this is the realest it has all ever been, it's also so hard to believe. The only way you can deal with such a shockingly large dose of reality is to weep. Weep for joy that it's real. That it's over and that you have her now. That it's begun.

That day will come. I know that now. And I'm grateful it wasn't yesterday or today. I'm still a little nervous that she might try to arrive prematurely. But I'm sure that will wear off and I'll again be counting the days until this pregnancy ends.