You don't have to tell me twice. Or, ok. You do.

So, a couple months ago, my hero big sister wrote and posted this. While she recently had a baby and had a birth story to share and I didn't and don't, her words resonated so deeply with me that I felt
I could have written those exact words on another day or during another season of my life.

Whenever I think about writing or feel a nudge toward writing, I almost wince. Not because I don't want to write. I do. Not because I feel guilty for not writing. I don't. It's different than guilt. It's denial, almost. Yes. Or maybe it's fear.

Fear.

I feel it when I sit down to write in my journal at night. Sometimes I sit down to do it and I don't even get the book opened because if I open the book, it might all come tumbling out. All of it. And who has time for that?

Or when I do open the book, maybe I just write about this hot weather we're having. Or maybe just the funny thing Mina did or the person who helped me today. Oh that has value, of course. And some of it I want to record and remember.

But it isn't really what's on my mind. It isn't the real stuff.

I tell myself that my journal isn't necessarily the place for the real stuff, anyway. Not when I write in the two minutes before I doze off. And maybe I'm right. But maybe I'm just afraid. I might actually feel something/learn something/say something if I write. If I let myself write.

You know what, though? I don't like to let fear be my motivator. Or my captor.

Yesterday, I was feeling confused about something and wanting clarity. I sat down to read the scriptures--for once looking for clarity in a likely source--and I ended up seeing these words, "and thy time shall be given to writing, and to learning much" (source). The words jumped out at me. Like it was an answer I'd been looking for.

I winced a bit. Then I mentally shrugged, "yeah, I know I should be writing. sigh, I'm not." I read on, still looking for my clarity.

I sort of forgot about this until today.

Again, I was feeling confused. Again, I sat down to read the scriptures, just to clear my mind. I began with a prayer, asking where I should study from to help me sort out the questions in my mind. Jacob. Start at the beginning was the answer I got. When I did that, I (almost immediately) read these words, "he gave me . . . a commandment that I should write . . . a few of the things which I considered to be most precious" (source).

Yesterday's answer came swinging back and both answers hit me at once. I'm seeking clarity and answers, and I get "spend your time writing" and "write the things that are precious to you." Two days in a row, I'm told to write.

Why? Why is this my answer? I already know why. It's because it's who I am. I am a writer. It's how I straighten out my thinking. It's how I feel that I contribute to the world, even when no one reads what I write. And when I wince and shrug and only jot down the weather, I am pretending to be someone I'm not.

Ironic, really, because I often don't write because I tell myself I don't have the right to pretend to be a writer. Lies. Fear and lies.

So, well, here's a start. Not afraid. No pretending. Just writing.