Father's Day Weekend

Father's Day weekend has just passed. A bitter one it was. I wanted to say bitter sweet, but from the Father perspective, it was not so sweet. My father is dead. I rarely used that word, dead. I usually say "my father passed away" or "I lost my father" or some such. But really, dead is the truth. He's dead. I don't like it, but there it is. My father-in-law, on the other hand, is not dead, but I fear he's dying. He spent the weekend in the hospital. That's not any body's idea of a good way to spend Father's Day, especially when a couple of your kids and one of your grandkids are in town. But he seemed to take it ok. We visited him twice, an hour car ride to and from the hospital each time. I mention that as if it's some kind of huge sacrifice we were making to go visit him. What a jerk I can be. It was hard on Charlie, yeah, but he was fine. He's a good boy. Anyway, I could look into my father-in-law's face and see this part of himself he has closed off because of this cancer and chemotherapy and suffering he's dealing with. Is he afraid to have too much joy? Or any at all? Are the chemicals in his body actually making it physically more difficult for him to enjoy things? Is he really miserable at all times? What in the world could I do to help him?
I wonder that. I guess I wondered that when my father was sick, too. Now I know what it's like to lose my father and I want it to not be so hard for Jeremy to lose his. But there isn't much I can do to change how it will feel for Jeremy if his Father dies of this illness. That's hard for me. I want to fix this. Will talking about it and writing about it do that? I guess not.
For me, Father's Day without a father is not excruciating, but it is a bit upsetting. Several times in the last few days I have wanted to call my father. For advice, for help remembering the details of an experience we shared, to wish him a happy day. I would like to watch him with my son. And I would like my son to have a relationship with my dad. I almost want to say it's not fair that Charlie won't get to know my dad. I want him to learn from his grandfather. Do most people learn from their grandfathers? I don't know. I have learned from my grandfather--I only knew one of them--and value very much the legacy I have from him. Charlie won't get that from my dad, and I had hoped he would get it from Jeremy's dad. Will he? I guess we have to wait and see. And hope.