Come What May

Back at the gym.

I got there early Tuesday morning. When I walked up the stairs to where the treadmills are, I was the only one there. Well, and that women walking up a very steep hill on her machine. But she wasn't there for the treadmill class, so she doesn't count.

I had set my alarm for 15 minutes earlier and somehow got to the gym 25 minutes early for the class. Go figure.

Anyway, the class filled up again today. But it didn't affect me.

When it was time for the class to start our instructor, Julie, came around to collect our tickets. When she stopped next to me, she said, "You're here. You got your treadmill. Your spot. You can be happy today."

I smiled and laughed my agreement. But what she doesn't know is that missing my treadmill class two days in a row because I was late taught me the exact opposite lesson.

You see, I've been reflecting lately on the fact that nothing is wrong. Oh, sure, I have concerns. I have things I am worried about. There are things going on in the world that are painful. I have people that I love that are facing hard things. But the big stuff in my life is all exactly as I want it to be. The challenges are so well balanced out by the joys that I walk around each day thinking, "how can I be so happy?"

This has been a long time coming. I have spent many years in and out of depression. Sometimes when I was depressed I didn't even know it. I was struggling under this weight, peering through a fog, and I just thought all life was this miserable. Or that I was extraordinarily ill-equipped to cope with life. I truly forgot how the sunlight felt on my skin. And how a heart could be unshuttered and open instead of boarded up. If you asked me how I was, I answered, "Good." But inside my head I always feared that you would be able to tell I was lying.

But now when you ask me how I am and I answer, "Good" there are no slimy tendrils of rotting misery attached. And inside my head, I am hoping you believe me because I'm finally telling the truth. Not only am I happy right now, I'm happy AND I know it. Clap your hands.

So the idea that had made its way into my head last week was that I'm only happy right now BECAUSE nothing is wrong. It's not that I have grown into someone who is at peace with life, or who can find happiness amid the chaos. No, I'm happy because I'm somehow living in this golden window of bliss. But the darkness will come crashing back in and when that happens this happiness will be gone. And unattainable. There will be no peace for me as soon as the bad news comes or the wind changes.

I just don't believe it has to be that way. My belief system teaches that we can have peace even in the darkest of times because when the floor falls out from under us, we will know in whom we have trusted and will still feel his arms holding us up. He has us and therefore we will be okay no matter how the centrifuge of life sees fit to spin us. I believe that, but too often I don't live that way. I haven't learned to stay ok. Or perhaps another way of saying it is that I haven't learned to let him have my tumult. I try to carry it around by myself, and it just doesn't work.

So on last Thursday, when I got there too late for my class again, I left to run outside. By myself. Around the strip mall parking lot. Again. When I finished I came back in and started sorta grousing to this running buddy about the unfairness, the stinkiness of the situation. How annoyed I was. Then I went to the next class in this sorta ticked off mood. Chip on my shoulder. Wronged by the world.

But halfway through the class, I saw what was going on. I saw that I was letting this extremely minor concern have sway over my whole mood and demeanor. I was letting my momentary disappointment about not getting what I wanted color my interactions with others. I was letting the less-than-ideal circumstances of this small scale thing decide for me. I wasn't happy anymore because something was wrong. And as I pushed through a few more bicep reps, I stared at myself in the mirror and decided that was ridiculous.

If I want to be able to be at peace when the big things go wrong, I'd better start practicing with the minor mishaps. Come what may and love it, I said to myself. Lean into the discomfort and be stronger because of it.

When my class was over, my running buddy was still on his treadmill. I marched out there and apologized for letting my grump out all over him. I don't need to complain like that, I said. I briefly explained my mid-class epiphany, and he said, "There's a phrase I use to help me remember. I call it, learning to dance in the rain."

"Come what may and love it," I said. And I do. So yes, at the next class, I was happy I had come early, gotten my spot, my treadmill, and could run as I had planned. But I can be happy without all that, too. Or at least, I'm going to learn.