A very good day

Boy, was I in a mood yesterday morning. I felt inexplicably down and was sort of wallowing in self-pity. I didn't want to do anything.

But then, after Johnny took the world's longest morning nap, I decided I'd better get out of the house. The long afternoon and evening stretching out before me were unbearable if staying home was all we had to look forward to. So we went to the park.

I didn't really want to go, but when we got there, Charlie saw the fountain and wanted to play. He took his shirt off, even, to make the experience more like swimming. Of course, he barely got close enough to the water to get his hand wet, but something about the environment was freeing for him, and he began to run around and laugh. He just ran and ran and ran. After a bit he got tired of that and we went to the playground.

The boys were so happy. Just a simple hour at a playground with nice weather--finally not too hot--and they just seemed like new people. Before going home, we stopped briefly to see some friends, eat an otter pop, and cool off. Then, right around rush hour, we started the long drive home.

And of course they slept. About a mile from our house, I got this moment of utter bliss. Driving home with two conked-out boys in the back seat. It was peaceful. I caught myself wondering what could be better. A whole lot of things, right? But not right then. Yesterday afternoon, that quiet moment in the car was all I needed.

When we got home, I was forced to wake them up (breaking my grandmother's common-sense rule to never wake a sleeping baby). Getting them fed after too-short naps was going to be ugly. Here it comes, I thought. The meltdowns and misery was going to ruin the whole night for me. Right?

Nope. They were fine once they had a little food and drink in their systems. They both went to bed without problems. Charlie cleaned up every bit of the front room--put all his toys away--with no help from me and no complaining.

I watched a movie, with Jeremy joining in when he got home. The movie made me laugh and feel good. Then, even though it was too late, my husband and I talked and laughed together while we got ready for sleep. I lay there falling asleep wondering what it was I was so upset about in the morning. Who, knowing the bliss I'd felt today, would ever pity me?

So, you adjust your attitude and you try to be more grateful. You wake up in the morning determined to find more of those moments of joy, more reasons to laugh and relax in the knowledge that, on an up day or a down day, you are in the right place at least, doing the right things.

But today, of course, the joy eludes me. There are unexpected tantrums and unwelcome rage bubbles up. Fears and worries that all the efforts we make aren't good enough, won't be good enough. The years ahead are full of scary things that overwhelm me. And as long as I'm scared and overwhelmed, I can't step outside myself to be a mom. I can only stare at the distraught child and feel his concerns couldn't possibly matter compared to mine.

I guess that's why so many people try to live one day at a time. It may also be why I have a wooden sign on display in my kitchen that says "Relax." Maybe today isn't a good day, but I'm going to choose to blame that on the day. It's not my fault. It's not my children's fault. It's just today. And there's no chance at all that tomorrow will be the same. It may be bad in it's own way, but at least I don't have to do today again. And at least I know that days like yesterday are possible.

But, how bad can it really be if the only sound in the whole house right now is the sound of my fingers pressing the letters on the keyboard? Even bad days have their moments. I'll take it.