What is it that you most desire?
I have been thinking about this question lately. I have some ideas about what it is I should desire over all other things. But what does my heart truly want?
Maybe it sounds weird, but I think I have gotten out of the habit of listening to myself. In some ways, my life (and how I choose to spend my time) puts me inside the heads of so many people. I'm listening to them instead. Their desires or what I perceive to be their desires compete for my attention and even for my devotion. What other people like or find amusing is somehow supposed to be interesting to me. Or I've taught myself to be interested in it.
Why am I ordering my life in this way? Is this what I most desire?
It most certainly is not. But what is?
Today, I heard the mother of a teen-aged boy share that she had a conversation with her son about what he really wants. When it came down to it, he said he wanted freedom.
Freedom. Something I have a great deal of. But I continue to operate as if I am bound to these patterns I have fallen into. I continue to listen to something that is telling me I cannot change. That I cannot choose today because I chose yesterday and all the days before. But I can. I too desire freedom, and it's there waiting for me.
My sister, who doesn't read this blog, spoke to me about a decision she's working on. She said it's hard because she's not sure if she should do what everyone else thinks she should do or if she should do what she keeps coming back to, what she really wants to do. It seems like the answer to that question would be simple, but it's never a small thing to successfully listen to yourself and choose the thing you want despite the wishes of the wise and well-meaning friends you've relied on in the past. I believe she will figure out the right thing to do. If there's one thing I know about my sister, it's that she is brave.
But can I be brave? Can I figure out what I desire and go after it? Can I grab onto to my freedom?
I know, I know. It's all vague and conceptual and it may mean nothing to you. Ok. I can start there. First thoughts and questions in my head.
Then words on my blog. What next?
1 comment:
i'm glad you talked to your sister who does not read this blog. seems like something i should do.
i think my desire to have a baby is in line with everyone else's desire for me. the real question is whether my actions and life priorities are in line with that desire. i'm trying to be brave, but it's not very easy.
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